In this week’s Fan Fiction, an actress and singer succumbs to temptation.

Jennifer Lopez was in the lighting department of her local B&Q, her hands grasping wads of sensuous carpet samples. She was enjoying the feeling of the plush shag between her fingers, but her mind was wandering from the task at hand (decorating her upstairs bog).

She had become transfixed by the congregation of shades that glinted expectantly before her. Lamp shades. Bayonet bulbs. Those ones you can screw. Free standing lights from deepest Persia which beamed their rays upwards, as if in pliant deference to the owner. Her bum tingled with excitement and, for some reason, lust.

Suddenly the assistant manager appeared at her side, full of the ruthless ambition of youth and half a can of Red Bull. His breath was laced with the aroma of the sickly substance. It was intoxicatingly unpleasant.

“Can I help you madam?” he crooned, lacing just enough indifference through his tone to suggest that she could either buy something or fuck off and die.

“You appear to stock a plethora of shades, Mr…”

“Grey. Snarkbert Grey.” he said, tapping the name badge attached to his shirt, beneath which she could detect a rippling lake of fat. A tart whiff of BO shimmied into her nostrils and she almost fainted onto the scuffed lino floor.

“Are you okay, Ms. Lopez?” he asked, sensing her disgusted arousal.

“Yes, I’m quite alright. I’ve just never seen such a large…lighting section before.”

“Do you like big sections?”

“I bloody love them, duck.”

“Well ours is the biggest in South Yorkshire. You can slip in and look at all the shafts. Of light.”

“I bet you tell all the girls that!” giggled Lopez, barely controlling her lolling head as Grey’s foul musk enveloped her like a stinky cloak.

Grey slapped her, hard. With a gaze, not his hand, because he was not an abusive idiot.

“Ms. Lopez, I only inseminate information in those who request it, not to curry favour with the fairer sex.” said Grey, mustering up a surprising amount of conviction for someone who was actually thinking about a coat he’d owned in 1995.

Long story short, Jennifer Lopez bought more lamps shades than she could realistically use.